Memories
by JenLea
Summary: SLASH Jeff's forced to do whatever he can to avoid the memories of a hate crime...


Memories

Disclaimer: I own no one!

A/N- Kaz, thanks for your help. You've helped me again.

WARNING: Contains mentions of drug use.

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Jeff Hardy wished he could kick the drug habit, cocaine ruled his life and he hated it, with a passion.

Yet, getting high was the only way to chase his demons away.

When he was high, he could remember Jay as he used to be.

He didn't have to see Jay, lying on the cold hard morgue slab, beaten beyond recognition. He didn't have to remember the attack, a lead pipe connecting with his head.

The cocaine also took care of the migraines, an after effect of the attack. The headaches left him on his back for hours, the slightest bit of light making him vomit. Medication did nothing to help him.

_Jeff?_

_Jay?_

_I can't imagine living without you._

Slowly, Jeff was forgetting his voice. Cocaine helped him remember it.

Matt stopped helping him, when he realized the money he gave Jeff went to buy drugs.

Jeff wanted to kick the drug habit, heroin ruled his life, and he hated what it did to him.

Being high was the only way to remember McKenna.

In his mind, she was a happy two-year-old. If he thought about her while sober, all he could see was her tiny pink coffin lowered into the ground.

_McKy, can you say Papa?_

_Pada!_

_Close enough,_

Shaking violently, he goes through withdrawal, the nausea churns, he can't stop sweating and to top it all off, he has a migraine.

Jeff can't take it; the combination of withdrawal and a migraine making him relive the attack. He stifles a scream, literally a prisoner of his own mind.

_Can you believe McKy's two?_

_No. Maybe, it's time to think about another one._

_DON'T MOVE!_

_Take our wallets, please. Just don't hurt our daughter._

_OUR daughter?_

_Sir, she's only two. We'll give you what you want._

_That is all Jeff can remember. The next thing he knows is hearing McKenna scream and feeling something hit him in the head. Then, he blacks out._

Her screams ring through his head; he couldn't believe he had been unable to help her.

The most primeval job and he failed…

McKy hadn't deserved to die; she was innocent. It wasn't her fault that she was born to gay parents.

Jay died, protecting McKenna, or so the police told him. They said he was found lying on top of her lifeless body.

Still shaking, he struggles to erase their voices from his head. He finally has to face what he's been avoiding for so long.

The memories…

_Three long years, _he thought, facing a picture. McKenna, a chubby faced toddler, holding a kitten. It had been taken just a week before she died.

_Why have I been denying my family? _

He isn't sure what is causing these thoughts; it may be the withdrawal, or something more.

All he knows is that it's time to change.

Jeff has been clean for three years; cocaine no longer rules his life; heroin no longer rules his life and he loves that. Better yet, all the side effects are gone and instead of erasing memories of his lost family, he embraces them. Memories of the attack no longer haunt him; Instead, He revels in memories of McKenna. Thinking of Jay makes him happy, a feeling he had thought he had forgotten, a feeling he hadn't felt until getting off drugs.

He is able to remember them without drugs.

As hard as it was, Jeff recently got involved with someone new. Shane Helms knows the hell Jeff's been through, and doesn't care.

Late at night, McKenna and Jay rest in his dreams. They are whole. They are healthy. Nothing can hurt them.

In his dreams, life is how it was before he lost everything he loved. The world is perfect; he's happier than he's ever been.

The migraines still bother him; Luckily, the medication he's on takes care of them.

Early last month, Mickie, Shane's best friend gave birth to a healthy baby girl. Jeff was unsure if he could handle a baby. He had known about her before dating Shane, but that didn't ease his confusion.

Camryn Grace…

"Doesn't it get to you?" Shane asks, watching his daughter sleep.

Jeff shakes his head. It had for a while, but recently, it hadn't. He loves taking care of Camryn. She is like his own daughter.

"Cam's gorgeous, but she's not McKenna. I made peace with what happened,"

The counselors in Rehab had helped him come to terms with what happened, showing him he could cope without drugs.

For this, he is grateful.

Matt's back in his life. Their relationship is still fragile. Yet, they're closer than they've been in years.

Jeff likes to imagine Jay and McKenna as butterflies, beautiful butterflies, flying free, far from this earth that caused them so much pain.

It helps him cope in ways only drugs could.

**THE END**


End file.
